It was never meant to be

He stood there right in front of the door. Eagerly waiting, looking at his watch, head bobbing up and down. As I entered he still stood there a little calm now. With a tinkle in my eyes I waved. There.. I saw the familiar 'finally' expression in his eyes and he walked towards me. My heart skipped a million beats. It was only half way that I realised his eyes were looking beyond me and his eyes met mine when we came face to face. Oh hi! How are you? And before I replied he had walked past me to the girl behind me. Hugged her and with his face really close to hers could read his lips saying 'I missed you'. I turned my back with my head down and murmered 'I missed you too'.

I moved towards to drinks counter to meet everyone. A few laughs and drinks later dance floor it was. I could sense his arms around me protecting me from bumping into people. A moment of closeness and then retract.
I retired to my seat and kept watching him. Amused by his dance, his jokes, his acts, there wasn't a moment I took my eyes off him.

When we stood in line for dinner I saw him handing plates to everyone in the group and striking a conversation with anyone who said a hello. While he handed a plate to me his fingers brushed mine. It sent jitters through my spine. I tried hard not to blush.

During dinner, I secretly aligned myself behind a pillar for the perfect view while he laughed, smirked, ate and animatedly narrated some incident. He was oblivious to my existence and it made my comfortable. It was better this way.

Final goodbyes. Everyone enquired each other on their commute. 'We can drop you' he offered but the 'we' in that sentence made me say a 'no'.

I refrained from hugging him and just shook hands. He came ahead to give me half hug but I turned at that moment to face my girl friends. It was better to avoid... to avoid the emotions and feelings that would surge when I would be in his arms. A world which could never become my reality.

Hugging my girl friends with this unsettling feeling was dangerous. Women's intuition they say. It took them exactly ten seconds between those hugs to ask me 'you still love him dont you?'. And the usual no answer and nonchalance saved me this time as well.

How could I tell them that I loathed this situation and yes ofcourse I loved him. I never had the courage to own up my feelings and prioritised everything else over my own feelings. Or maybe I was just too scared to walk up to him and say everything. The fear of rejection which might have been the truth held me back. How could I tell them that I wanted to kiss him hug him hold him and tell the world he is mine! Mine alone!!

I looked back one last time to catch a glimpse of him and his eyes caught mine and he nodded with a smile. There he stood tall with a girl on his arm 'the most beautiful girl in school' as the guys would put it. They were so much in love. The perfect couple!

My subconscious hugged me resonating my thoughts that I've been chanting for 10 years now... 'Maybe I was better off as a friend... Maybe it was never meant to be'.

*dedicated to all those school/college time crushes that never materialised but we still hold on to them in our hearts :-)