It was never meant to be

He stood there right in front of the door. Eagerly waiting, looking at his watch, head bobbing up and down. As I entered he still stood there a little calm now. With a tinkle in my eyes I waved. There.. I saw the familiar 'finally' expression in his eyes and he walked towards me. My heart skipped a million beats. It was only half way that I realised his eyes were looking beyond me and his eyes met mine when we came face to face. Oh hi! How are you? And before I replied he had walked past me to the girl behind me. Hugged her and with his face really close to hers could read his lips saying 'I missed you'. I turned my back with my head down and murmered 'I missed you too'.

I moved towards to drinks counter to meet everyone. A few laughs and drinks later dance floor it was. I could sense his arms around me protecting me from bumping into people. A moment of closeness and then retract.
I retired to my seat and kept watching him. Amused by his dance, his jokes, his acts, there wasn't a moment I took my eyes off him.

When we stood in line for dinner I saw him handing plates to everyone in the group and striking a conversation with anyone who said a hello. While he handed a plate to me his fingers brushed mine. It sent jitters through my spine. I tried hard not to blush.

During dinner, I secretly aligned myself behind a pillar for the perfect view while he laughed, smirked, ate and animatedly narrated some incident. He was oblivious to my existence and it made my comfortable. It was better this way.

Final goodbyes. Everyone enquired each other on their commute. 'We can drop you' he offered but the 'we' in that sentence made me say a 'no'.

I refrained from hugging him and just shook hands. He came ahead to give me half hug but I turned at that moment to face my girl friends. It was better to avoid... to avoid the emotions and feelings that would surge when I would be in his arms. A world which could never become my reality.

Hugging my girl friends with this unsettling feeling was dangerous. Women's intuition they say. It took them exactly ten seconds between those hugs to ask me 'you still love him dont you?'. And the usual no answer and nonchalance saved me this time as well.

How could I tell them that I loathed this situation and yes ofcourse I loved him. I never had the courage to own up my feelings and prioritised everything else over my own feelings. Or maybe I was just too scared to walk up to him and say everything. The fear of rejection which might have been the truth held me back. How could I tell them that I wanted to kiss him hug him hold him and tell the world he is mine! Mine alone!!

I looked back one last time to catch a glimpse of him and his eyes caught mine and he nodded with a smile. There he stood tall with a girl on his arm 'the most beautiful girl in school' as the guys would put it. They were so much in love. The perfect couple!

My subconscious hugged me resonating my thoughts that I've been chanting for 10 years now... 'Maybe I was better off as a friend... Maybe it was never meant to be'.

*dedicated to all those school/college time crushes that never materialised but we still hold on to them in our hearts :-)

I'm there for you, babe

Ice cream and pancakes are what I crave.
Here they are! I'm there for you, babe.
I'm too mad at him and have nothing to say.
Let's bitch! I'm there for you, babe.
Ladakh trip in month of May?
Let's do it! I'm there for you, babe.
Hi! Kind of busy. Can I call back on Saturday?
No issues! I'm there for you, babe.
Oh is it Saturday? Will call back. Balancing a tray.
I'll wait! I'm there for you, babe.

Did you hear she married & relocated?
While I waited.

I Called <No response> Texted <No response> Facebooked <No response> Tweeted <No response> Only to say
I'm there you for you, babe. Always.

Soul Mates?

This blog has been long overdue now and recent events and talks have triggered the continuation of this post.

The title pretty much gives away the gist of this blog post. While reading Many Lives, Many Masters authored by Brian L. Weiss this topic or rather words lingered in my mind for long. I ended up reading a lot of blog posts, theories, books (in fact I even read another book by the author called Only Love is Real), listening to psychologists talk who cure patients with the help of past life regression on this topic, etc is when I realized that this topic has been a constant source of debate. A primary question that begins the argument is

Do Soul Mates exist?

While studying psychology, I remember our professor saying that a human mind is like an iceberg. What you remember, register, forget, rehearse, etc. is only one-tenth of its functions. The bottom nine-tenth is left untapped. During hypnotic therapy can this nine-tenth be accessed. Needless to say only a profound psychologist/psychiatrist can dig deep into the human mind.

Brain L. Weiss indeed succeeded in helping his patients cure various issues faced in this lifetime with the help of past life regression. Similarly he tried to explain the theory of soul mates. Quoting a paragraph from his book Only Love is Real -


"You may be awakened to the presence of your soul companion by a look, a dream, memory, a feeling. You may be awakened by the touch of his hands or the kiss of her lips, and your soul is jolted back to life. 
The touch that awakens may be that of your child, of a parent, of a sibling, or a true friend. Or it may you beloved, reaching across the centuries, to kiss you once again and remind you that you are together always, to the end of the time."

It further goes to explain -

"You will not always marry you most strongly bonded soulmate. There may be more that one for you, because soul families travel together. You might choose to marry a less bonded soul companion, one who has something specific to teach you or learn from you. Your recognition of a soulmate may occur later in life, after both of you are already committed to you present –life families. Or you strongest soulmate connection may your parent, or your child, or you young sibling. Or your strongest connection may be to a soulmate who has not incarnated during your lifetime and who is watching over you from the other side, like a guardian angel."

When I look back at my set of friends who are closest to me (can actually count them on my fingers) I realize that they are people with whom I have made an instant connection. They aren't friendships that went through any waiting period. It just took one topic to break the ice and we became the best of friends from there on. Most of them I do not even talk to on an everyday basis. But the day I meet them we can take it from right where we left it.

On further research I came across the theory of Twin Souls. A mythological backing to this theory was a quote by Plato.



“According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” ― Plato

The theory of twin souls suggest that there is perfect half of your soul that you may or may not find in this life time. Twin souls tend to complete each other's sentences, have similar life experiences, and majorly have same likes and dislikes. They are mirror images of your soul. Exactly like a left becomes the right in a mirror image few differences can be found between twin souls. The differences however are marginal compared to the similarities that exist.

However, to every proponents of a theory are opponents with an opposing theory. The opponents suggest that soul mates are opposites of each other. They are the two halves when joined complete the puzzle. They are not mirror images as proposed by the Twin flames theory but believe that they are yin and yang that have to combine to bring about balance and status quo in a relationship. And that's how the quote "Opposites Attract" arrived.

The reason I write this post today is cause of the uncanny experiences and similarities I face with this friend of mine which is mind blogging. Day-to-day experiences, equations at home (the family structure), picking up the first slice of the plump cake which is most burnt, love for music (any genre) to our choice in mobile phone brands to serious things in life such as opinion on a certain situation, ways to tackle a situation, being awfully calm and composed and not lose our temper (because we understand the damage that occurs when we lose our anger), etc are freakishly same.

Another friend of mine and me call ourselves soul sisters. We have similar home environment (we had similar building names and flat numbers as well), ended up buying same clothes in different colours (By the way, we went shopping differently), have similar tastes in music, etc. Emotionally we react to things very differently but our choices in picking things up are very similar.

To the love of my life, the theory of opposites attract fits perfectly well! We had a list of 21 differences that existed between us with 3 similarities. Some have seen a few compromises to make it work, while many still exist.

Also I distinctly remember the following lines from the television series F.R.I.E.N.D.S. It perfectly encapsulates what the relationship between us means to me! (Hope he gets the message correctly)

Season 8. Episode 16.

Chandler: Phoebe thinks you and Don are soul mates, and I don’t believe in that kind of stuff. But then you two totally get along. So look, I won’t stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Monica: Chandler, you don’t believe in soul mates?
Chandler: No. But I’m sure (mimics Don) ‘tomatoes’ does.
Monica: I don’t believe in soul mates either.
Chandler: You don’t?
Monica: No. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and work hard at our relationship. Some days we work really hard.