Questions. Many. Answers. None.

Everyone said it was for the good. Lucky woman. She was called to the heavens door in her sleep. Best still, she was a "suhagan". Only the blessed get this kind of death.

Indeed, she was special. Now I know, that she was special, not only to me. We shared every aspect of life together. Through thick and thin. But why did she keep this from me when she knew it was coming. Ofcourse she knew. The desperation to do things she wouldn't do in her sane mind. All she had to do was warn. At least my heart would have expected the unexpected.

I need answers but who will answer it now? There's a puja tomorrow what do I wear? Have you watched this movie who's this actor? What happens to Kaveri Amma in the serial? You think it makes sense to invest in that plot around Mysore?

Questions. Many. Answers. None.

Today afternoon I was there right next to her. With my eyes closed. If I knew that when she slept she was never going to wake up ever again, I would have sat and watched her every move till the soul left her body. We were soul mates. And yet she didn't call out my name once before she left. Just to say, see you again... in the next life.

People say she has gone. I still feel her around. And here I'm surrounded with people who matter and some who don't. But the one who mattered the most is lying lifeless in front of me.

I say is it fair? She might have been lucky. But what about me? What am I supposed to do? Watch the pyre engulf her in flames? Or wait for the doctors to say it was a mistake her heart beat is fickle? Or just plainly move on? What next?

Questions. Many. Answers. None.

The final mile, her body is being lifted. And I sit here motionless with emotions running through me that no one can see. All I can do, I realize is watch her go. Helpless. In silence.

-Diary entry of a man who lost his wife in her sleep when he was right next to her. They were completing 50 years of togetherness in February 2013 but fate had different plans.

Please stay

Looked around at
The hollow spaces
Broken toys and,
Broken faces
Patience was put

To a thorough test
The soul within
Was at unrest
The silence persisted
Harrowed with no noise
No more gurgling, no talking
No more choice
Departed quickly
Making it uneasy
Walking to the room
Made him/her go crazy
Not once could
S/he say
Don't go
Please stay.

MICA - One word says it all.

I write this because there is a place that I consider my second home... A place I love... A place I miss... And now I understand what withdrawal symptoms truly mean! The place I am referring to is... MICA!

The other day I wore a salwar suit and needed silver chappals to go with them. The usual thought, "Will take it from Kruti or Sam. I know they have silver chappals" And then I stopped and stared at my wardrobe. That is all I have! No more Kruti's, Sam's, Meeta's or Punk's room that I could just walk into pick up whatever I wanted and walk out. When I jacked my phone to clear some data on my memory card, I realized 350 songs I do not even listen to, but I had them cause that used to be our source of entertainment in the car where I used to DJ for my girls. There were days when we absolutely did nothing but just sat in each others room and talked and talked and talked.

Sitting at home this is what I am doing... writing, sleeping, reading and eating. Yes, I missed home cooked food at MICA but now it is the other way round. I was never a breakfast person but snacks were my all-time favourite. Last night I had yummy home cooked dosas and awesome green chutney which sadly reminded me of South Indian nights at the Mess when everybody would hit Chhota. I look at my phone, Manu or Vineeth might just call at 4 A.M. "Chhota?? Chai?". At home, no more 4 A.M. chai. The thought of preparing it kills it for me and I go back to sleep.

Watching Big Bang theory on laptop at home doesn't feel the same. The bloody B-division as Sam used to lovingly call us used to sit and discuss random things instead of assignments. From cars to cartoons to movies to food the B-division gang (Jaymin, Manu, Vineeth, Tathagat, Manasi, Divya, Chadha, Meeta, Kruti and me) discussed everything sitting in Parijat 16 munching on some food, always. Chits were drawn to decide groups such that we always got to work with different people each time but in the end it just didn't matter as all would be putting their heads together helping each other. I used to love designing presentations even for courses I didn't have but others did.

There is an eerie silence around my house. No traffic, no chaos and no noises. I am used to the music blaring from hostels, the yells "Zanu... Anu... Culcomm meeting... Chandni", goal cheers from Community centre, or cheers from the baddy court. I see kids in my building play badminton in the evening (vacation times) and I remember how Jaymin made me run on the court, making me take shots that I would never try and even attempt. Jayati was an awesome baddy partner, we did play a lot of matches against Jaymin where he would read our minds and give us shots where we would never reach. It was a lot of fun! Manasi and Divya would come to Chandni calling out our names, or singing, or dancing, all would sit in one room and chill. Sujay would make his presence and talk on and on with his favourite dialogues "How do you girls not know about this? Are you girls even there in MICA? Really? Wait I will tell you...."

The other day on Whatsapp we were discussing MICA parties. Those were the best times. Same music being played every single party but we would dance like there is no tomorrow. I have seen the best birthday parties at MICA. Innovations at its best! In so little space and time there is so much that we used to do. Looking back at pictures and videos reminded me of incidences, talks, falls, laughs, cries and more. I am glad I clicked so many pictures and took so many videos!

Chandni girls... Where do I even start? We were an eclectic bunch of people always smiling. Barsha and Aakriti's electronic music tastes to Shradha and Paddy's Hindi tadka, music was on in Chandni. The volume was low but loud enough for each one of us in Chandni to hear it. I was used to seeing faces every morning, afternoon, evening and nights. Now I see none of those faces. From 24 rooms to just 2 rooms that I live in now, its quite sad.

"Lunch?" "Dinner?" These were group messages sent to all. Chadha would promptly call or message back "Coming". When I had to group message recently I saw all these previous messages. No more random walks and talks post dinner. No more Mathew Sir's movie screenings which have been a great source of learning. I cannot think of MICA without Mathew Sir and I am glad I am not there to witness it. No more assignments or presentations. No more editing Jaymin's no full stop assignments. No more random Chandni 7 moments. No more gossiping. No more MICANVAS, Oorja, Alumni, Mukhaute, Maktub, SAMAR and many more. No more Batch Meets, Placecomm Meets. No more decorating Audi for Culnites. No more Culcomm or meetings. No more Parijat 16. No more Chandni 8!

MICA mein na... You make friends who become your family. You know 154 people you can get in touch with anytime, anywhere using MICAMAIL. You have your time of your life, a time that shall always be fondly remembered.

The thought of not going back kills. It's definitely the people that make the place what it is! Love you PGP-17! MICA has a whole new definition in my life thanks to each one of you!

And as Dhruv Bhai rightly said, "Har phelu main hai naya Zaika, Magar kuch nahi tere jaisa MICA."